I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
