People in love make me want to vomit
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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