i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
