I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.