sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!