I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
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I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....