im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
