it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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