we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
