I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
