I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
