Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
