I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
