By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
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You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
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I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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