Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
