I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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