you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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