I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
