im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
