I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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