Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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