Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
