if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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