dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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