pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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