she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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