this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
