I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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