Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
