Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
