Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
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NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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