Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my being single is dangerous.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
