we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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