the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
