I hate your face
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
