If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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