and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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