Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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