i already hear my dad disowning me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
