dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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