Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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