sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am available for nakedness
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
