u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
