she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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