Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
