He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
