He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
