Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
