Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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