I showed him my bush... on skype.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
