mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
