k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
