ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
