I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
