So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
