Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
