I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
