I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
And then he peed in my hair
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
