the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
