The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
