I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
