Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just high enough for therapy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
