I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
