peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
