Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
