Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
